


Deal the Cards: A Play on Despair, Demise, and Card Games

by jinkxtheroo



Category: Original Work
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Cards, Gen, How do I even tag?, Musicals, Theatre, a lot of times, excuse to write poetry, i literally spent all my evening writing music to a fictional musical
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 15:38:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13169970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinkxtheroo/pseuds/jinkxtheroo
Summary: You are _____, a normal theatre enthusiastic which was dragged by your friend to see everyone's favorite musical "Deal the Cards: A Play on Despair, Demise, and Card Games". You really aren't a fan of musicals - especially because you got spammed multiple times to watch one called "Heathers" - but you decided to give it a chance. After all, what can be more ridiculous that a drama with... a deck of cards?[aka made for showing poetry]





	Deal the Cards: A Play on Despair, Demise, and Card Games

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I wrote this because i've always wanted to work on a musical, and also to show the poetry I do from time to time. It ended up being extremely fun to write. Enjoy!!
> 
>  
> 
> [also, I actually did try to make some melodies at my keyboard for all the musics.]

The curtains raise. The first act will begin. As you grab your popcorn, you wait, impatiently, for the first act to begin sooner. You have read some reviews on "Deal the Cards: A Play on Despair, Demise, and Card Games" on many newspapers. The name size was the only bad thing you could found at several written reviews - almost everyone praised the play as their new favorite. It was a musical and your friend dragged you into it, since you are not a fan of musicals - no one would be, after recieving thousands of spamming on your email telling you to watch Heathers - but you decided to give it a shot, for your friend, and because you really wanted to see how ridiculously funny could be a musical about drama using deck cards. 

As much as the idea sounded ridiculously impossible, here you are - eating popcorn while watching a musical about cards in the front seat. You can start to hear the narrator talk - no more chance to back up until the second act, so buckle up, stay quiet and let's watch.

"Ahem, ahem," the narrator speaks with a low voice. "Hello, my friends! Buckle up and get your food - We are playing an astounishing game of cards today." The narrator clears his throat. "However, my friends, this is not a simple card game. No. We are traveling to France for this, in a rainy day, perfect to enjoy a well-played card game. Before we'll be dealing the cards, however... There is something we need to clear up," The narrator started humming. "It is the cards that play with you, not you that plays with the cards, not today. Let us mingle in exquisite bites of food while we court the talents of our card-dealer by the night - the Musician."

The curtains raise to show a background, grassy and bright, as if a first grade play. You knew you shouldn't probably hang on newspaper reviews, judging by the continuity of this, but then the scenario gets raining and... the all so talked "Musician" shows up, a white Tragedy mask on their face, worn out clothes and an ukulele. You don't know what to expect anymore - so you just stop your thoughts and start listening to the soothing music the actor playing the Musician starts to play - a calm tone that suddenly ends into cheery, medieval, pub music.  
"Meddling tunes,  
chilled out blues  
in the middle of rainfall  
For tonight,  
we see the moonlight,  
So let us sing,  
About a queen,  
About a king,  
And about a kingdom  
That falled into demise."

The Musician changes his tune again, to the soothing, calm thing you wanted to keep hearing instead of this cheery and all-so-funny one.

"So oughta if we talk  
Of demise you wanna speak  
So for demise there's nothing more  
Than the Joker to talk about!" The cheery tune comes back, but now with background voices.

"The Joker, that all  
Conquered the lands  
With their cruel jokes  
And play pretend  
Deceitful lies poisoned all the land  
Oh, what a trembling problem we have in hand!  
Their mouths so heavy  
So full of dirt  
I cannot see  
The end of it,  
So this is a story  
About demise,  
And there's nothing more  
Despair-inducing  
Than the Joker himself,  
Runaway with no land,  
No kingdoms to respect,  
He just jokes around,  
And ear to ear,  
You can see  
He's conquering  
And tearing all of us apart!"

The Musician makes a fake cry sound and sits down, but then suddenly "remembers" there is a crew and stands up.  
"Oh, but this is not finished," he said in joy. "The story might be sad, but I'm not named Tragedy for nothing. There is much adventure to wait you, my lads - just buckle up while I deal the cards!"

"So let us sing,  
So let us cheer,  
So let us cry,  
So let us rise  
This is the story of a kingdom  
That ends up falling in demise!"

"And the first cards to be dealen are..." The curtain backs down, only to reveal a symbol of a Heart lightning upon the curtains, and the scenario changing to a castle. The Hearts were the first to be dealt.

"Well, you see, Narrator, I can't explain them the tragic story of the Kingdom of Heart Symbol without spoiling all the fun to them - so I leave you to explain it. I really need to go - I believe I have some business here that involves people wanting to get off with my head..."

"Silly, silly Tragedy - you are made for the entire purpose to die! This play would not be considered a drama without pointless deaths. So," the narrator clears his throat, "OFF WITH THEE HEAD! THEE OWES MONEY TO THE CROWN! OFF WITH THEE HEAD, GUARDS!"

As told, some card guards, 2 and 5, took the Musician away. You could hear the sound effects of a blade and the low and monotone voice of the Narrator continuing the story.

"Ahem, ahem. There was once a kingdom with the Hearts symbol as their own..."  
The actress for the Queen of Hearts shows up. A lovely, young mistress in a red dress, resembling the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland herself, however, much more charming and carrying a red flower on her hands.  
"The Queen of Hearts herself was a full-loving person, honoring her symbol as told by her grandparents and their grandparents before that..."

The actor for the King of Hearts showed up, a young, blonde boy carrying a sword behind his white and golden clothes. He smiled at the public charmingly before being hand to hand with his Queen and plant her a kiss on the cheek.  
"The King of Hearts was never teached to love, however - a young prince from the Spades, he was made to be a killing machine, not to care about anyone. All of that changed when he met his future wife. Together, they govern the Hearts kingdom - with love by their side..."

The Joker appears, sneaking up on them.  
"Well, shit. That's it, until the Joker arrives. I'm getting out of here. Bye."

The Joker appears on scene. They didn't resemble nothing like a jester - or maybe a mix of Jester/Magician. They wore a Comedy mask, a smoking, a top hat, but clown-like shoes and, in top of the top hat, a colored, brilliant, jester hat was placed in top of their head. They were also carrying an ukulele stained with blood - probably, the Musician's own. "Aye, aye, did I hear a conversation about me on here, Narrator? Do I also have to get off with your head?"  
"No, no, Joker, p-please continue your way-"

"Thank you, Narrator, your services aren't needed anymore at this land," The Joker cuts him off. "Let me explain this story in my point of view. I believe Tragedy isn't present anymore, are they?"  
"No, I got him killed. We needed a pointless kill for the play."  
"Ah, well, this is why I found their ukulele drowned in blood. Let me ask," The Joker suddenly makes a pause, "Off with their head?"  
"Yes, yes, but how have you even got here, why are you here, how do yo-"

"Shut the hell up, we are telling a story about Despair, Demise, and Card Games, am I right?"  
"It's the title of the play, yes, Joker." The Narrator answers.  
"And who better to talk about demise, decieve, and card games than a runaway who brings the despair?" The Joker asks. "Wasn't I the one?"  
"Yes, yes. Continue. I'll get a snack." The narrator makes walking sounds and then shuts up.

"Well, well. Hello, my audience," the Joker turns to the public, "how have you been? I present myself as the new card dealer for the night. Now, where's the script...?"  
The Joker finds an entire script on his pocket, and starts to read it. "Wow, am I really that much hated? I didn't want to, but I guess I'll have to follow the script... ahem. Let us start with a cheery tone before everyone gets their heads cut, am I right?"

"You see, this kingdom  
The Kingdom of Hearts  
Love shines upon here..." the Joker stops for a second. "God, this is boring. The Narrator is not here, right? I guess I can do some changes to the music..."

"AND I FUCKING HATE IT!!!" Cards start to show up and throw empty bottles at the Joker. "What? Don't tell me you weren't expecting swears! This play is PG-18! You can't tell me to not swear!!"

The cards keep throwing things at him until he starts to sing again. 

"You see, this kingdom  
The Kingdom of Hearts  
Love shines upon here,  
AND I FUCKING HATE IT!!  
And if you people  
Keep throwing me stuff  
Get off with their heads!  
I am supreme leader,  
You cannot tell me,  
What the hell can I do,  
I am god at this place,"

The townspeople start following the song, "Why the hell is he here?"  
Another person answers, "I don't fucking know,"  
Another person jumps in, "We are in a play,  
This is a flashback,"  
A coral of two card-brothes start singing, "Wait, then, how does he know  
If we are in the past,  
Of things of the future?"  
The townspeople start to question the kids. "Then how do you know?  
Did I just get spoiled,  
By two number fours?"

The Joker interrupts them. "This was my song, you people!!"  
"Sorry, Joker. Do we pretend we've never been spoiled or..."  
"GET OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!"

The guards hesitate. "But, by this time, you still didn't overrule the king, that means we don't have to obey you and..."  
"Do you wanna live in the future?"  
"Got it." The guards cut the heads of several townspeople. "Now, we are going to pretend this never happens so the play runs smoothly, ok?" The Joker says.  
"The Narrator is going to kill us..."

"The Narrator went off for a snack, so you shut the fuck up," The Joker yells at the villager, "And pretend this never happens. Now let me continue with the story. Where is the actress that makes the Queen?"  
The Queen whispered to the Joker. "Stop breaking the fourth wall, it's breaking the play."

"Shut the fuck up and get to your castle, you dickhead. We gotta get the castle scene done by 5."  
"Would you please stop swearing?

"THIS IS PG-18!!"

"Still..."

"CURTAINS!!!"

 

The curtains back down, and then after a few minutes, they rise up to reveal the interior of a castle. A bright pink castle with hearts all over it. "Sincerely, who did this scenario? It looks like Barbie's dollhouse."  
The Queen yells at him. "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! THE CURTAINS RISED!!"

"I know, this is part of the script."

"Well then, do the narration!"

"Ahem, ahem," the Joker pauses for a second to clear their throat, "This is the Heart Castle. The King constructed it alone for his Queen and," the Joker pauses, "In 6 months? No way. He's not Barry Allen. Who wrote this?"

"The Narrator, obviously," says the Queen.

"Well, I really hope he gets to meet the real world someday, because there's no way this fuckboy would do a fucking castle in 6 months."

"Language! You're talking about my husband!"

"I forgot you are a whore in this play, sorry."  
"D-Did you just-" the Queen gags.

"That's it! That's how I'm ending you."

"Wait for the King!!"  
The King of Hearts appears in the doors of the castle, smiling. "Did you call for my aid, my Queen?"  
"BLONDE FUCKBOOYYYY!!!" The Joker screams.

"Oh my god, you can't even follow a script? Shut the fuck up."

"My King, language."

"I'm sorry, my beautiful Queen. Where's the script for the dialogue?"

"I have it. Anyways, let us start the scene. We just lost 5 minutes of it. The Narrator is gonna be mad at u-"

"The Narrator needs to shut the fuck up."

"Well, let me start. I see you are a Joker runaway - why would we accept you at our kingdom? No-place scum?" the King askes the Joker.

"Well then- Why the fuck is my speech so cheesy? I'll improve it - it's because I need food, and you are the kingdom of love, you dipshits."

"Good! You just screwed up the script!" The Queen jumps in the conversation.

"I can fix it, my beloved," the King says. "Yes, we certainly are a kingdom of love, and this is why I'm letting you stay. What about you, my Queen?"

"My love, I have been taught to give love since my childhood, so I might also as well agree with your opinion. Find a place for the runaway to stay at our beautiful castle." the Queen answers.

"Ok, now was it so bad?" the Joker asks. "The speech went perfectly and with the same sense as the original, just without my cheesy speech and Blonde Fuckboy of Hearts' kiss scene."

"Oh yes, we forgot the kiss scene!" the Queen leans on to kiss the King.

"NOPE. CURTAINS!!!" The Joker screams, and the curtains go back down.

 

They rise again after a few minutes, showing the grassy, lovely village again. The Joker is sitting down, preparing to narrate-  
"Not today, Satan. I'm back." The Narrator comes back, the sound of chips being eaten being played. 

"I already told your services aren't needed, no?" The Joker asks.

"The director is going to lower your salary."

"Welcome back, Narrator!" The Joker says with a fake smile. "Hey, guys! Why aren't we welcoming the Narrator back?"

"Because we need to do the scene," a card guard answers, "by 5. If we don't do it, the director will lower OUR salary."

"Fine. The Queen scene, right?"

"Yes," the Narrator answers, "and I'm not letting you do changes to the script."

"Well, it's not like it was needed. The Whore Song is the only song that isn't cheesy on this thing." The Joker grabs his ukulele.  
"Gather round, gather round, cards! I am the runaway installed in the castle, and I have to you dirty, dirty secrets to tell!"

"Have you, have you, spoke to the Queen? She is the nicest, no dirt in-between!" responds the townsfolk. The Joker starts to sing.

"Yet I have, yet I have  
Yet I have yes  
Spoke to your lovely Queen  
(isn't she?)  
However, however,  
She is not what she seems  
(no?)  
Listen up, listen up  
Before the Jack of Hearts  
Gets us here  
(get off with their head!)  
But the Queen, but your lovely Queen  
Is a cheater and cheating on her King!  
(no way, no way!  
that is just impossible,  
they love themselves so much,  
yet you're so convincing!  
have you spoke,  
to the queen,  
she is not a whore, no!  
but your tongue moves in a way that i am forced to think)  
Yes your Queen is a whore,  
I say that out loud,  
And I even know  
What's the cheating all about!  
(do you?)  
Oh yes I have a name,  
I have a name,  
Jacian, the Jack of Hearts!  
(no way? yes sir!  
he's been acting strangely,  
all over the queen,  
i bet the stolen roses was him!  
what a whore, what a whore  
we need to tell the king,  
we will not accept)"

The townspeople start to revolt. "What a whore! What a bastard whore! We were teached by our grandparents and their grandparents before that to love, and she dares to disrespect her ancestors? This can be considered a crime!"

The Joker smiles. "I believe she is throwing a party tonight in the castle, what a coincidence."

"WELL THEN WE SAY! OFF WITH HER HEAD!"

One of the cards stands up. "Wait, what about the context?"

The Joker answers. "What the fuck is there wrong with the context, 9?"

"Well, first, what the hell are these stolen roses we are talking about? What about the 15 scenes of fanservice kissing? And why the hell are we calling the Valet Jack if we are in France?"

"Oh yeah, all those scenes were cut by budget," says another card, standing up.

"How about you two shut the fuck up?"  
"Fine, fine, Joker," says the townspeople.  
"Are you threatening the villagers, Joker?" askes the Narrator. "This wasn't on the script."

"TAKE THAT SCRIPT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, NARRATOR!!!" says the Joker, angrily.

"I'm gonna shove it up yours, how's that?"

"CURTAINS!!!!" Yells the Joker. The curtains go down a little bit, but then raise again.

"Not today, Satan. You can't do it three times a row in the same act. It was in the instructions manual." says the Narrator. "But I'll call them for you, we need to move to the next scene. CURTAINS!!!" The curtains go all the way back down.  
After a few minutes, they come back. High volume music and light shows were placed in the castle's scenario, now with figurants dancing and the King and the Queen celebrating.

"My people! See, the Queen that betrayed us! She given us up, she let us down! Let us end her life!" the Joker stops for a second. "Ok, I'm really NOT saying the rest of this dialogue."  
"Your salary," the Narrator answers.  
"Fuck my salary, I have kingdoms to own. Now, if you must," the Joker approaches the Queen, with a sword. "DIE!!! BE GONE!! OFF WITH HER HEAD!!"

The music and the lights stopped for a second, to reveal the one-eyed Jack, Jacian of Hearts, blocking the sword and taking the sword away from the Joker's hands. "Thank you, my fellow Joker, I have been spying on you - and finally found a way to win my Queen's affection."  
"What? My Queen?" the King stopped for a second. "You have been cheating on me?"  
"No, my King! But this Jack wants to take me by force! And now I am indecise! Help me!"

The Jack takes the sword and impales the king's back with it, and then manage to cut off his head. His suit once white was bloody red, the Queen, horrified but trying to keep the composure, as the Jack takes her away forever.

"Well, my friends, looks like everyone is gone," says the Joker, throwing the king's head to the yard. "And that means, it is all mine to take!!" The Joker laughs and the curtains go down for a little bit, to show him gone, the Musician Tragedy by the place he were to be.  
"Tragedy? Didn't I kill you?" The Narrator asks.  
"Yes, but someone needs to sing the thing that just happened so we can pass on to Act 2."  
"Oh, yes, true," says the Narrator, "continue, Tragedy."  
Tragedy takes the ukulele, still stained in blood, and starts playing.

"Meddling tunes,  
chilled out blues  
in the middle of rainfall  
We tonight,  
Saw the moonlight  
And we sang,  
About a queen,  
About a king,  
And about a kingdom,  
That falled into demise,  
And ceased to exist."

The Musician starts to take on a more melancholic tune, just so as you were in a funeral.

"The queen was astounding,  
The king was surrounded,  
The hearts were the symbol,  
Their love were never ending,  
Until the Joker ruined it all,  
With their filthy mouth  
Spread to the nation,  
That the queen was truly a whore,  
And heads were rolled into the floor,  
Neither the Joker's or the Queen's  
The king had his back violated,  
His head were cut and degenerated,  
And his wife were take by force  
By no other than the Jack of Hearts  
And this is how  
We sing and growl  
To this sad story  
About how a Queen,  
About how a King  
Ceased to exist,  
And a kingdom falled in demise."

The curtains got back down. This was the break in-between the First and the Second Act. You found the play pretty funny - but still not convinced it's all they were talking about. You cease your thinkings to go get a drink - and wait for the Second Act to begin.


End file.
